


Guilty Of Being Alive

by mtac_archivist



Category: NCIS
Genre: Additional Warnings In Author's Note, Disturbing Themes, Drama, Episode Related, Episode: s02e23 Twilight, Established Relationship, Friendship, M/M, Not a Crossover
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2008-03-16
Updated: 2008-03-16
Packaged: 2019-03-02 09:41:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 372
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13315503
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mtac_archivist/pseuds/mtac_archivist
Summary: Set immediately after Twilight. Gibbs's thoughts are dark and conflicting ones.





	Guilty Of Being Alive

**Author's Note:**

> Note from Jessi, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [ MTAC](https://fanlore.org/wiki/MTAC), an archive of NCIS fanfiction which closed in 2017. To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project after August 2017. I tried to reach out to all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator (and this work is still attached to the archivist account), please contact me using the e-mail address on [ the MTAC collection profile](http://www.archiveofourown.org/collections/mtac/profile)

  
Author's notes: To really understand part of this story you need to know that for me, in my stories, the term 'fucking' does not just mean the act of penetration. It is a term I use to distinguish from the term 'lovemaking'. Lovemaking can (and does) involve penetration, but 'lovemaking' involves the emotions and caring as well as the physical act; 'fucking' is purely about the physical act with no emotions involved.  


* * *

She's dead.

He's alive.

It should be him lying there. Not her.

But it isn't.

She's dead.

He's alive.

He should feel guilty.

He does.

He feels guilty for not feeling guilty.

He feels guilty for being alive.

He feels guilty for not being dead.

He feels guilty for not being able to stop it.

He doesn't feel guilty for it being her and not him. And he should.

He knows he should.

But he doesn't.

Maybe he will tomorrow.

Maybe he will next week.

Maybe he will next month

Maybe he will next year.

Maybe he never will.

She was doing her job.

She was protecting him.

She knew the risks.

She knew what was involved.

She knew what could happen.

She's dead.

He's alive.

She's dead.

There's only one thing that'll work for him now.

The one thing that always does.

He doesn't want to go to Ducky. 

He doesn’t want to use his oldest friend and lover that way.

But he will.

Because to go anywhere else would be wrong.

To go anywhere else would hurt Ducky.

And he can't do that.

He hurts him enough already. 

Ducky wouldn't understand. For once, Ducky would _not_ understand.

And he couldn't live with the guilt of doing that to Ducky.

She's dead.

He's alive.

So he'll go to Ducky and he'll fuck him.

That's all it'll be – for him.

Fucking.

That's why it shouldn't be Ducky he goes to.

That's why he should find a nameless, faceless man to fuck.

But he won't.

He'll go to Ducky and he'll fuck him.

And then . . .

And then he'll make love to him.

Make love to assuage the guilt he feels for fucking him.

And then guilt will come.

The guilt that it was her and not him.

She's dead.

He's alive.


End file.
